Look.
Lots of things change for me between posts. For example, last night I was beginning to write another, "poor me, woe is my life," post. But then I talked myself out of the nasty mood I was in. With help from my girlfriend. Even though I told her that her pep talk, "sucked."
I am very thankful that I am surrounded with patient people.
I was getting desperate (before the sucky pep talk). I've got family issues, as always, and I've been unemployed for a few more months than is exactly comfortable. My money situation was starting to look like Bear Sterns in late 2008. However, now I am working - for around minimum wage. With any luck I'll be able to make ends meet.
Still, I'm forcing myself to get past the desperation. I pictured bitching to my old roommate and how he'd react. Reprinted below for your perusing pleasure is that conversation.
Me: Imaginary Good Ole' Roommate (IGOR), I'm having a tough time these days. I'm sad all of the time and taking it out on those around me. I think part of it is my issues with my father. Mostly though, I'm just sick of sending out countless fucking job applications and getting nothing back. Even reality TV shows have the good grace to say, "No, you suck." Sometimes I feel like I've developed the worst superpower ever. I can turn my resume invisible. If only I could harness this power for good!
IGOR: You must be kidding me. This is like all of those times in college when you were loved, cared for, did well, and bitched constantly. Try harder, you pansy. Maybe if you break a nail you'll at least have something to bitch about.
Me: That reminds me of something one of my favorite professors told me. I sat down in her office and began to complain about how tired I was (because I had little else to say). Not at all impressed she asked me why. Before I could answer she said something like, "because there seem to be at least two different kinds of tiredness. The first one you have to earn. Are you tired because you have been trying your best at everything - really giving it your all? Or are you tired because you have done very little? Earned tiredness can be very satisfying. Lethargy, on the other hand, is something you have to force off, perhaps with the assistance of Health Services. Should I make you an appointment?" While at the time I considered her a bit of a dick for calling me on my shit, now I kind of see her point. In those days I did little other than hang out with friends, make time with my girlfriend, play videogames, and make full use of the fact that you tended to leave me alone in the dorm while you made time with your girlfriend. When I did finally get serious about my work, I slept like a much younger and less troubled version (or a hypothetical much older and more satisfied version) of myself.
IGOR: So? Stop making everyone around you forget why they wanted to hang out with you in the first place. Shut up and get on with it already. Want to play some videogames?
Me: Maybe later. I have to go be bad tempered around my girlfriend for a while.
IGOR: Cool.
Still, I learned from my imaginary conversation, and today I feel much better. And I took my girlfriend out to dinner to make up for being a dick for the past few days.
I still feel a bit desperate. I'm more than a year out of college, and I still don't even have the first step towards my eventual greatness down. I'm an ambitious motherfucker. I don't think I'll ever be satisfied to be a retail clerk. Or manager. Or owner. I need to really get my ass in gear.
