I'm so happy, 'cause today I found my friends

Have I become the character I once created to entertain?

That's the question that's been haunting me for the past (let's see now) three minutes or so.

Listen.

I'm the kind of person that really likes to make people laugh. When I find that a certain style of joke or an inflection in my voice or whatever elicits more laughter than something else, I use it more often. I continually seek to improve this, but I occasionally get stuck in habits and sometimes I just think about other things and let autopilot kick in.

In effect, what happens is this. I create a character - a clown of sorts - in order to make people laugh. I create this character intentionally and with the explicit purpose of entertainment. I assume that everyone still knows me. I assume that everyone knows that I do this to play and that this isn't who I am. When I say shit derisively or in mock angry tones I expect that my friends will understand the distinction I have drawn between the joke, which they usually laugh at, and how I feel. I'll make fun of movies that I really love if someone else likes them and I'm feeling playful. This is not to make the other person feel bad about liking this movie, but instead to make them laugh with me about it.

I forget sometimes that not everyone can read my mind. I am often told that I am nearly transparent. I prefer being transparent. I feel like it is more honest. This is one reason why it confuses me when people tell me that they can't tell if I'm joking, or say that I often behave like a dick.

So what to do? Have I become this character, or is it just that my friends and so on are too quick to judge? Have my jokes become more subtle? Un-fucking likely. Should I quit the character and playing and just deliver things straight up? I feel like that'd be boring. Plus, I don't often perform in my life unless it is in this venue.

I think I have a better idea. I will be me, as always, and if who I am is distasteful to others, they can tell me to my face, like I would them. Is it bravery or honesty that makes you tell your friend when they crossed a line? For me it is honesty. Bravery implies you are doing something extra. Honesty implies that if you don't do it, then you are being dishonest. If you aren't brave people forgive you. If you aren't honest, there are negative implications. Perhaps it is also brave to be honest.

Doesn't everyone think like this?